A place to share struggles and triumphs, a place to bless and serve - but never a place to murmur or complain. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

When you have gone as far as you can go . . .

I've been learning this week about how the Lord works with us when we need Him most. I'm sure it isn't the last time I will be here, and the next time will most likely be soon. It's just where I am. This is a day and hour at a time world I live in. Monday I was sure I'd start to fall apart as much physically as I was emotionally. The stress had reached an unbearable place, and relief was no where on the horizon. Everywhere I looked, doors were closing on me. It was like being in a hall of mirrors at the carnival - except that each and every door was real. I felt the pain of it intensely as the one I had most hoped would lead somewhere was rudely shoved at me. I took it as a challenge, but at the same time realized that to truly open that door would most likely take a solid year of work. It wasn't an immediate option and I am in a world of immediate need.
So, what did I do? I called my mother. She was a great help. She didn't say it would all be okay and not to worry. She listened to me, she grumbled with me and ached with me. It was just what I needed. She offered ideas, but nothing that I would have thought of myself. She offered ways that she could help me, rather than things that I should try. Heaven knows, the last thing someone needs when they have tied a knot in their rope and are hanging on for dear life is thoughts about what they might try to start climbing back up the rope again. You think of just about everything while you are swinging around there at the end of your rope. Having someone who's just willing to hang there with you is such a blessing - and my mother was willing to do that with me. We weren't murmuring, we were just feeling the pain that comes along with being human, wondering if we could really accomplish the work ahead of us. The fact that she is so willing to work along side me is almost overwhelming. It also helps, when you really truly in your gut feel that your Heavenly Father, and your Savior as well, are watching and mindful of you. You can say, after 'I can't believe what a weak human being I am' . . . 'Well then, if He wants me to go down farther, then I keep going.' It's a hard thing to acknowledge, that even after you've gone way past what you thought was the rope's end, when you've descended into a darker place than you have ever known, there may still be more to come. That's where I was. I was at a kind-of dead end after two weeks of hard work, feeling that I'd have to start over again, very tired and in great need of some consolation.
So, what did we do? We did what we could do, and didn't worry anymore about the things that we couldn't. We registered my five year old for Kindergarten at the elementary school nearest my mother. We went to the grocery store and picked up some milk. The day did get worse, believe it or not - much worse. The next day, however, was better - like the dawn of a new morning after a dark night. I had an opportunity to work in a temporary position for the day - and I was grateful for that day. I proved myself quickly, and impressed the woman I was working with. When someone you've never met before watches what you can do and thinks that you are wonderful, well, how can you not feel good about yourself? (Even if the only others that seems to think you're wonderful are your parents.) It was the consolation that I needed - just enough of it to put some energy into my tired bones so that I could start to think about climbing again. Other things also started to click into place that day. They were small but important things on the grand scale. For the first time in a long time, I felt a little sun shining down through the darkness, falling on my face. When you've been in the dark for a while, you really can appreciate the sun's brilliance.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I may be at a new end of the rope in a couple more weeks, who knows. It doesn't really matter. I know a little more about the way the Lord works with his children when they need Him most. If I get to another place like that, I will remember and wait for the bit of sunshine that is sure to come. It will come. And finally, when I've gone as far down the rope as He needs me to go for now, the last tumblers will fall into place, a door will open and I will start walking again. This isn't the life I had planned for myself, but I know it's a life my Father in Heaven is pleased with. It will be a good life. 

1 comment:

Kate said...

I think you are wonderful.